Exception Handling
originally published in The Southeast Review
Xavier BIOS v6.00PG, A Burning Star Ally
Copyright © 1982-20XX, Oliu Software, Inc.
GREEN AGP/PCI/ISA SYSTEM
Main Processor: A central nervous system that is neither central (8 lines down, not center justified) nor nervous (we run like clockwork, like clocks), pushing out plasma with platelets. This technology will be outdated one day. Drive, Jarvik-7, drive. 112282mHz(11228.2 X 10.0)
Primary Master: m-e112-2828-222-11AD
Primary Slave: y-ou0000000000000000BCAD
Secondary Master: y-ou0000000000000000BCAD
Secondary Slave: m-e112-2828-222-11AD
OK
BOOTSEQUENCE...
100 to 199 - System boards - 0000000000000000000000000000
200 to 299 – Memory J’ai oublié! J’ai deja perdu!
300 to 399 – Keyboard What is input is not input which is output these keys are very important, because they are the basis for all future typing a ASDFJKL;nd crafting of words. Take the time to thank the home row for all that it has done for you, despite not being able to have ASDFJKL; a true sense of home. There has always been a certain attachment to roads elsewhere, places where cars were driven and computers crashed, but you are not owners of these lands, the rental of space. You have visited your grandfather’s old h ASDFJKL;ouse on multiple occasions, made hard lefts on roads made of dust to tops of Catalan mountains, only to find your grandfather’s childhood home modernized, the goats repl ASDFJKL;aced by motorbikes. You grew up in a house your father built, his reward and personal project after years of constructing verandas for people who watch monitors inside primarily. You absorb and eat houses from the inside. Now your fingers ASDFJKL;s rest comfortably here, surrounded by a Southern football carnival with new distractions arriving daily. You put up prints to cover up contractor white walls. You take Spanish evenings and latex paint under fingernails and turn them into a storage shed of something, harboring all inside like a cobalt alloy platter.
a dad
sad
a lad
a dad has a sad lad
a dad had a sad lad
a dad’s dad had a sad lad
a lad’s dad
a lad’s dad’s dad
a lad’s dad’s dad’s sad
lash dad lash
lash lad lash
KEYBOARD ERROR OR NO KEYBOARD PRESENT
ABORT? RETRY? FAIL? R
BOOTSEQUENCE...
400 to 499 - Monochrome display Mom always said you had a good indicator of good and bad right and wrong black and white true and false and you have to agree with her because she is your mother and she knows these things and that is the script of the zero to one if there is zero there is not one if there is one there is not zero the absence of truth is false and the absence of false is true the absence of color is not color which is black instead of white, white instead of black.
500 to 599 - Color/graphics display That is one ugly GUI, why must YUO make your softwaare so ugly God$$? I am not $worth$ the background of a screen unless I am x and making an odd face that one can only make while they are x with no preparation, no time for the turning of cheeks and the calculation of angles. Clouds would serve the set as background better, fractals, maybe, perhaps digital replications with a built in lens-flare to let us know that the picture is indeed a picture and not real, that there is something spoiling because there are things that must never be touched by human hands.
600 to 699 - Floppy-disk drive or adapter
NON-SYSTEM DISK OR DISK ERROR: REPLACE AND STRIKE/PUSH ANY KEY WHEN READY
BOOTSEQUENCE...
1100 to 1299 - Asynchronous communication device, adapter, or port if I sent you text telling you knowthing and you Did not read it would you now know knowthing?
1300 to 1399 - Game port It is a victory if I can get to Oregon. When I get to Oregon, someone or something will count up how many points I received. I will then be compared with my fellow men and women, and then ranked. They’ll give me a number. I hope it is 1. Press SPACEBAR to CONTINUE.
1400 to 1499 - Color/graphics printer [segue to biotronic amoeba bacteria printer]
1500 to 1599 - Synchronous communication device, adapter, or port if I sent you text iloveyou and you Did not NEVER read it we would be in sync.
1700 to 1799 - Hard drive and/or adapter More virtual space less physical space how do we know this terabyte is a terabyte?
1800 to 1899 - Expansion unit (XT) I’m not going to get into all that.
BOOT SEQUENCE ERROR. PLEASE STOP STARING.
ABORT? RETRY? FAIL? R
BOOT SEQUENCE...
2000 to 2199 - Bisynchronous communication adapter if I sent you text iloveyou and x sent you a text iloveyou;!!@ but you read mine FIrst that is not fair.
3000 to 3199 - LAN adapter connect…redial…connect…redial…dropped…connect…redial…
4800 to 4999 - Internal modem it costs six cents a minute to call freehold new jersey from flemington new jersey and that is unacceptable but six cents a minute is Not a lot when you are looking at the boobs of sad girls
7000 to 7099 - Phoenix BIOS chips he iz rizen!!!! 0:)
7300 to 7399 - 3.5-inch disk drive do not look at the film of the floppy to view a solar eclipse; instead view through a digital camera used to store photographs of your eyes at an arms length
8900 to 8999 - MIDI adapter [your favorite song-]
21500 to 21599 - SCSI CD-ROM system I’m not perfect
BOOT SEQUENCE COMPLETE
C:\>
C:\>run oliu.exe
Hello! Have we met? My name is Brian.
Hello! Have we met? My name is Brian. I was born on November 22, 1982.
Hello! Have we met? My name is Brian. I was born on November 22, 1982. I am currently resting in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, but I am from New Jersey.
Hello! Have we met? My name is Brian. I was born on November 22, 1982. I am currently resting in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, but I am from New Jersey. I am a simple man; there is nothing I enjoy better than some homemade chili, a new pair of socks, and a nice Belgian beer.
Hello! Have we met? My name is Brian. I was born on November 22, 1982. I am currently resting in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, but I am from New Jersey. I am a simple man; there is nothing I enjoy better than some homemade chili, a new pair of socks, and a nice Belgian beer. The adding on of numbers signifying significant and mundane changes from alpha to beta to beta create new features that cause 0 change in weather patterns here, elsewhere, or in future versions.
Hello! Have we met? My name is Brian. I was born on November 22, 1982. I am currently resting in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, but I am from New Jersey. I am a simple man; there is nothing I enjoy better than some homemade chili, a new pair of socks, and a nice Belgian beer. The adding on of numbers signifying significant and mundane changes from alpha to beta to beta create new features that cause 0 change in weather patterns here, elsewhere, or in future versions. The adding on of numbers increases productivity and hurts eyes, the overclock leading to speed leading to slow...
THIS PROGRAM IS NOT RESPONDING...RESTART? Y
C:\>run oliu.exe
I’m not perfecet.
C:\>run oliu.exe
I’m not perfect.
C:\run oliu.exe
Hello! Have we met? My name is Brian. I was born on November 22, 1982. I am currently resting in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, but I am from New Jersey. I am a simple man; there is nothing I enjoy better than some homemade chili, a new pair of socks, and a nice Belgian beer. The adding on of numbers signifying significant and mundane changes from alpha to beta to beta create new features that cause 0 change in weather patterns here, elsewhere, or in future versions. The adding on of numbers increases productivity and hurts eyes, the overclock leading to speed leading to slow. Experts have heard about Brian, born November 22, 1982, currently resting in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, but originally from New Jersey, who is a simple man, who enjoys nothing better than homemade chili, a new pair of socks, and a girl to fuck, believes his memory and coding will cease to exist at some point, despite the parasites planted in Taiwanese businessmen and Floridians, and those experts have thought about Brian’s (born November 22, 1982, currently resting in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, but originally from New Jersey, who is a denial of service wreck, who enjoys nothing better than fantasizing about effective ways to immobilize others, a new pair of teeth, and a girl to fuck over, who feels lonely, doubts the decisions he’s made because no one can live up to his ideals, believes memory and bloodline never existed in the first place. Nothing has been done to worm his way through the hearts of Catalan ex-patriots and pageant queens from Arkansas) failures and they are consumed by it, flooded by blood worm sugar and ill-written code, and they too, are not perfect.
C:\>run oliu.exe
I’m not perfect.
C:\>run oliu.exe
Bad command or file name
C:\>run oliu.exe
oliu.exe: the program with a personality
I will stick to you like glue
I will modify you too